im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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