this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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