capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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