So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
