You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Text me some of your sweat
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
