I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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