I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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