You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
where are you?
Hypothermia
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
