my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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