one two three fourrrrnication!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Mom said you looked used
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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