if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
