you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
