She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
