Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
