we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
