I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
