guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She even gives head with a lisp.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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