is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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