five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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