Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
