DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
