When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
