Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
