She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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