I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
