I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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