Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
