it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
