wrigley field is MILF paradise
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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