i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
