I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
