i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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