We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
