Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
