My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
