oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
