Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
