Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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