I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
