I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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