My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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