Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Who died my cat blue again?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
