I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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