The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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