My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
