Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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