why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
