I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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