Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
