Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
