it's too hot outside to masturbate.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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