After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
