Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
