Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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