I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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