I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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