the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
